Fingerprints

Up and down, highs and lows in the span of a few days. Yes, let's have a baby. No, I don't think I am ready. Crying but understanding where he is coming from. It's terrifying. Asking him why I want this so much and sobbing as he answers, "that is the way we are made. plus, why wouldn't you want a little baby that was a mixture of you and me?"

The next day, trying to deal with the stress of it. Yelling about cheese, threatening to "get some air". He stearnly tells me that I am not allowed to just leave because I feel like being alone. You don't walk out, he says. I cry and apologize and tell him that I don't want him to think that everytime I want him, it's only because I want to procreate. He laughs. Or course he knows that.

A few days of quiet and peace and then I say, how about instead of TRYING, we just stop TRYING not to? He likes this. Fun and free, but who are we kidding? We are both getting used to the idea as terrifying as it is, he says.

I could potentially be disappointed this month. Should I chart and plot and plan for next month? No, that would be actually trying.

"You've given me everything I want this year," I tell him sweetly.

"Not everything, not yet. But I'm working on it," he replies.

It's my happiness that is most important to him. If he's not ready, then I can wait.