FOUND

I found some entries that I had written on my last webpage so I think I'll post them here now:

Satisfaction

Satisfaction is a curious feeling. One moment you are satisfied , loving life and all it holds. The next, you are wondering how to get that sense of security back. So what triggers the sudden switch? What makes you feel one way or another?

There is a certain dread that inhibits one's body when you glance through your phone book and realize that out of the eighty something names that find their homes in those pages, only one or two strike you as true friends. You begin to wonder when volume became more important than quality- when gathering acquaintances became more valuable than surrounding yourself with people who truly care. And as the dread penetrates your blood stream, it slowly warps itself into sadness and then into a deeply rooted depression. And it makes you wonder: Where did this come from? How did it sneak up on you so inconspicuously?

So are you satisfied? With the fakes and the acaintances and the people who only want to be around you if you are up for a party? Are you satisfied with the lukewarm friends, the hypocrites, the false personas? What if that dissatisfaction that you discovered began to bleed over into other parts of your life where the discontentedness with one's friendships made way for a dissastification with oneself , until you become ungatified with life in general. Then where would you run to? How would you deal with the poison that bore into your very soul?

How would you pick yourself back up?

The Letter

This is a letter, not intended to hurt or vex you in any way, but one intended to inform you; of my feelings, my thoughts, my deepest wishes. It isnt a lettter trying persuade or convince, but simply one of information-unbiased , clear-headed information.

With that said, I must say that I miss you. even though you are here, still friendly, I miss the old you. Theres a harshness in your eyes now that wasnt there before, but now, i see it everytime you look at me. It's a coldness, a hate even. And i can't bring myself to look you in the eye anymore. Have we reached an impass, then? Is that coldness real? Is that hate alive in you? If so, we've come, yet again, to a crossroads, but i fear this one will be the last. Is it possible that you went from hating me to loving me and back again? how does that even happen? Or is the coldness not directed towards me? Maybe its directed towards reality and the realization that what we have can onlly be temporary, no matter how much we feel.