Lukewarm

Sometimes the people you are with shape the decisions you make, or don’t make for that matter. My friends have been a constant, but with them, my decisions only mirror my own convictions. With boyfriends, however, it’s sad to say that, in the past, I have let their convictions shape the decision I made at that time. What brought the reflection on, you ask? I will tell you…

This past weekend, I attended a friends 22nd birthday party, and yes, it was an actual party in every since of the word. There was a band, booze, bimbos, etc. So there I was, hanging out, drinking a bit, just enjoying myself, when in walks the members of the band Stephen used to worship and room with. I freak. I think they hate me and I can’t wrap my head around why they showed up to a party for my friend. But then they hunt me down, and we talk and laugh and have a generally great time. To make a long story short, the defining moment comes when someone says jokingly, “Uh oh, Christy is getting drunk. I don’t think I know this girl anymore!.” I smile and politely say that I am just enjoying myself, and no, I am not drunk, not even close. But that comment reminds me that when I was with Stephen, hanging out with these very same people, I didn’t drink at parties most of the time. I allowed something or someone to convince me that it wasn’t a correct thing to do.

When I was dating JB, I hid that fact that I sometimes went out with my friends for a few drinks because he never drank, it was a wrong choice to him, a stupid one, understandably.

I have a million examples of what I am trying to prove, but you get the picture.

Up until the time I started dating B, I was shaped, as we all are at some point, by other people’s convictions. And, now, for the first time, I am standing by my own moral convictions and my own ideas of what’s right and wrong. I have preached that I have been that way for sometime now, but it wasn’t until that party that I realized I wasn’t. And to be true to you one hundred percent of the time, takes more work that I can even comprehend, but at least I see it now, at least I know.