Loneliness or freedom

There are instances in which I find myself completely alone. The phone isn’t ringing, no one is calling my name, the television is shut off, the radio is silent, and there is no sound but the steadiness of my breathing. The thoughts in my head are loud and boisterous, making me wonder if the feeling I get is loneliness or relief. I can smile in those instances, sing and dance even, as if I am completely free. Have you ever felt that way? Like you’re not sure whether you feel loneliness or freedom?

My phone is now receiving significantly less phone calls than one year ago. Part of that is because B and I moved in together, but mostly it is because B and I started dating at that same point. My cell phone became less and less of a necessity to me as less and less of my friends made an effort to call. In those moments, I feel lonely.

Yet something I realized about my now, almost silent phone, is that the calls I received before, the calls that kept my cell ringing, were not those of true blue friends, but of men trying to coax me their way. When I was with Stephen, those men kept calling, because there was something about the way I handled myself that said I wasn’t fully off the market. So the men kept calling; to hang out with me, to flirt with me, to, hopefully, lead me astray and towards their beds. And I did give them hope. I flirted back and never quite cut them loose, just in case things didn’t work out between Stephen and me.

Now however, I have no more backups. All those bad intentioned men, somehow got the point when I dropped into conversation that I was now living with someone. They don’t call anymore. They don’t write. They don’t return messages left. They have all fallen off the face of my earth, only to be heard from again if, through the grapevine, they hear there is a chance. But there isn’t, there never was, but I couldn’t let go. I had to have that extra security. And now there is no chance of that extra security, that safety net, those backups to save me from being alone. I have given that all up, and in that, there is freedom.

I guess the loneliness stems from the truth of knowing that the only thing I was to all those guys was a girl to conquer. And here I thought they were my friends.