That Email did me a favor

I think Stephen did me a favor when he wrote me that email. I think he released me. He released me from feeling guilty for wanting to take B to “our” spot, “our” restaurant. He has freed me from feeling guilty about the way things ended, about the way his life has been going, about his seemingly never ending misfortunes. He has allowed me to be completely free of him and even though he may have said that I was the reason for his suffering, I know I was, am and will never be that reason for him. Because in twenty years, or maybe even five years, Stephen will look back and see that his suffering was only his, he controlled it, and there is no one else to blame for it. Someday down the line, he will have to take responsibility for his actions and accept that he was his own worst enemy.

I’ve realized through this, that even though the feelings may be gone between me and whatever other person, I will still continue to feel quilt, even if I can see that they are creating their own fortress of solitude. I will hold myself responsible for things that are not my fault, for things that are beyond my control. But now I am released from the guilt. I will no longer have to play cheerleader to his pity parties. And digging him out of his hole is no longer my responsibility, it hasn’t been for sometime, but he kept expecting it of me.

The thing I want to say most to Stephen is this: You have a girlfriend now. It is now her turn to be your cheerleader and your shining light. It is her turn to try and save you- although no one can save you but yourself.

I wonder when he’ll figure that out.