I had the chance

I had the chance to tell B about my rape twice in two days. I didn't. I couldn't. My face got hot and I choked on the words. I just started thinking how nice it was that he doesn't know. He is ignorant. He just sees me as normal. And I'm not. Its a nice change.

If i don't tell him, then only one of us has to suffer impleasant thoughts once and awhile, which I can handle on my own. But if i do tell him, then its like I'm spreading unneccessary misery to him.

There are just times that I wish I could talk to him about it. There are times I wish that he knew so that he could put his arms around me and tell me that its going to be ok. Times like June 27.

I told him that I dont think he's ready for my secrets yet, but maybe, it's not him. Maybe it's me that isnt ready.